The Guilt-Shame Train

In learning to cope in a healthy way it's helpful to distinguish between guilt and shame.  Guilt is a normal human emotion which accepts responsibility and prompts us to repair the situation.  Ex. If I steal someone's pen, I feel guilt which leads me to give it back and improve the relationship.  Shame results when you believe your actions mean something about you.  Ex. "I'm a bad person for stealing."  Shame will cause you to feel like who you are is the problem rather than the behavior.  When we add shame to already difficult situation, it prevents you  from reaching goals. 

An alternative to the guilt shame train is to accept the feeling of guilt, but don't evaluate it.  If you are distracted from judgmental thoughts, say "stop" firmly in your mind.  You can use an affirmation statement to remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person despite behaviors.  You will find that goals are much easier to reach when you stay out of the judging game. 

Cut out the negative

A method of self bullying that increases emotional suffering is focusing on what you are not, rather than what you want to see more of in your life.  One example of this: "I'm not thin enough for that."  This is an example of of an "I'm not" statement that prevents you from achieving your goals. If you want to create positive change, it takes focusing less on what you can not do or what you do not have.  Instead, it will be more effective to make a positive goal like "I will loose 5 pounds to feel more comfortable in my clothes." 

So where does the "I'm not" statements come from?  You guessed it... it usually comes from your early years including parents, peer groups, and other authority figures.  Many times it is a message that we have heard many times or thought of ourselves many times.  You don't have to grow up in a critical home, sometimes we just pick up negative statements from television and music. 

So your challenge today is to reframe that negative into a goal and test out your motivational level to see if it works.  Feel free to post your ideas anonymously. 

What are you putting in?

Have you heard that saying "what you put in is what you get out?"  I believe that this statement is very true to self esteem building.  Think of your thoughts that race through your head as an MP3 playing on loop.  Even when you are sitting silently in a room...you are always thinking.  When you stop to listen to what is recorded, you may find very negative messages.  These messages are recorded by participating in conversations in our lives.  If your parents or peers have been harsh to you in the past, you may find yourself being equally as harsh.  The good news is that you get to record over those old messages, but it takes repetition.  Thinking accurately does not happen without a lot of hard work.  But if you are consistent and structured, you will find that things do change in time. 

I use The Self Esteem Workbook in my practice regularly for supplementing therapy.  One of my favorite concepts from this work book is separating out "externals" from your core worth.  It's the idea that I can still be a good person even if I don't always act consistent with my values.  Have you ever met anyone who does anything ALL the time?  If you don't like what you see, set a goal not a prison sentence. 

So if you want to have some positive change in how you feel...put in something positive on a consistent basis.  You will be surprised how quickly some of those old messages fade away.

The interrogation of me

When interrogation is used on a prisoner, there are physical methods used to force a verbal response.  This is a great analogy for internal bullying.  We push ourselves to perform, submit, or act in a manner perceived as lacking.  "If you were strong enough, you'd have more friends." Most of us do not use physical force, unless you slap your hand in self abuse, but many people do attempt to force behavior through harmful words. 

You may be able to force yourself to change in small ways, but I find that this is highly ineffective for long term results.  Who wants to be a prisoner to all this negative pressure?  True long term change takes lowering expectations a degree and treating ourselves with rewards and consequences.  If I call myself a "fat cow" I'm going to lower my motivation to eat my carrots for dinner.  Alternatively, if I encouraged myself with "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I feel much more able to stick to my goal. 

Today's challenge: Treat yourself to a positive and encouraging self statement and test out your level of motivation!