Becoming the judge in the court room

Imagine the scene of a court room with the judge evaluating all the evidence that two attorneys present on a case.  His/her job is to decide the truth of the two perspectives.  The judge hears both sides of the story and objectively draws a conclusion about the effective action that is needed. 

The truth of thoughts and feelings rely on your ability to discern the truth based on “hearing” both sides on the facts.  When we apply this to your mind, you will be able to evaluate the evidence with true objectivity.  If I have a thought “I can’t do this right,” it is your job as the judge to decide which side is supported by the facts.  Your thoughts and feelings are neither correct nor wrong unless you have facts that support the claim without a doubt.  If it is not 100% true…then it is not accurate.  Just as the court room will not prosecute a defendant without clear and convincing evidence, neither should you.  If you have a thought that is not 100% true, then you will want to rewrite it with accurate language. 

Example: I’m not ignorant due to having an education, but I did feel insecure in that situation due to it being a new environment….Now I can work on being more comfortable there.

 

Stress and Emotion in the Body

With the rate of increased anxiety in our country, it’s of no surprise that the need for medication has grown.  You can take medication for psychological symptoms like elevated moods, low moods, sex drive, poor appetite, etc.   What we understand about medication is truly remarkable.  What is still a question is the cause of such problems. 

Psychophysiology is the area of study of how the body and the mind interact together.  Traditional medicine in our country has attempted to treat these as very separate areas of study.  Emotions are just as connected to the body as other components.  This has been labeled a “Body Mind” perspective in the psychology field. 

When we constantly criticize ourselves, the Body Mind perspective would suggest that this creates a physiological response in the body.  Our emotions are a biological component in the body and reacts to many of the same things the body does.  When the body believes a threat is imminent, emotions will rise quickly so that you can react decisively for the crisis.  This message is created through a combination of the environment and our thoughts/beliefs.  

If you do not have underlying medical problems, the inner bully may be a source of many problems…including mood swings.  It is always recommended to treat medical problems before assuming it is purely psychological.  Once the medical problems are ruled out or treated, it is very possible to change this dynamic by learning more about how your body responds to stress.  Remember that your emotions are red flags and when you learn to listen to the message they can be very helpful. 

Holding the breath

As she held her breath, she thought of all the many ways she could get back at that guy for cutting her off at the intersection.  “I can’t believe he did this to me…I’m gonna show him I’m not someone he can just walk all over.  Jerk!” Still holding her breath… she swerved into the fast lane to get ahead of the guy who caused the problem. 

This illustration depicts a common problem in those who bully themselves…holding the breath.  Our bodies are constantly working to maintain homeostasis, but this cannot happen when we react to the environment with habits such as this.  This starts a chain reaction of events in which the heart rhythm becomes stressed and leads to stress hormones being released to the body.  So when you engage in road rage, who suffers?  That guy who cut you off probably has no clue that he did anything to aggravate you.  You win the prize of a stressful life! 

Notice in our illustration the key component of holding the breath followed by thoughts that finally lead to body reactions.  Biofeedback has taught us the integral role of breath work in calming body and emotional reactions.  The average rate of finding recuperation from breathing is obtaining 6 breaths per minute.  This is not done on a normal basis, but a couple of times a day to restore your energy and heart balance.  This youtube video paces your breath at this rate:

Ruminate, worry, & dwell…

“I am such a loser!  How could I misplace money?  This is just another example of how irresponsible I am.  How will I ever get a raise if I can’t even be trusted?  This just proves what everyone has ever told me…I’m no good.”

One negative thought creates a stream of emotions, secondary thoughts, and memories.   If you are one of the many people who can’t turn off the running dialogue in the mind, you are not alone.  Many people will go as far as treating this running commentary as fact.  In the statement, “I feel like such a loser” we see this vividly.   The word “loser” is not a feeling at all, but when you accept this thought as a tangible fact you will generate feelings that make it feel very real.  A more accurate way to express this sentiment is “I feel disappointed in myself for losing the money.”  In this statement we identify the feeling regarding a concrete situation.  It does not define us, but it is a real situation where disappointment is reasonable.  In the end…who loses anything 100% of the time?  You will inevitable win at something some of the time, making it impossible to be a loser!  What a relief! 

Mindfulness training is a technique promoted to access more information without making this constant evaluation.  In our example about losing money, we may be able to learn through nonjudgmental awareness that it was not really lost at all.  Through more focus on the moment we may find that it fell out of a pocket in the car!  So is it really worthwhile having all of that stress and anxiety over something that was never really lost?  Not if we can cope in a highly effective way.    This way of coping takes focus on the very second we are in and see the environment without making critique.  This is how we move from suffering to freedom and stop the inner bully. 

You make me so mad!

This is a video with a great explanation on how we misinterpret events in our lives to cause emotional distress.  When we give our power over to situations and other people we can feel some very intense emotions.  No matter what situations we face, we always have the power to reframe how we think to cause a different reaction. 

There will always be a situation in our lives that we do not like.  The things we react to may be politics, economics, or the dog barking next door.  It is within our power to allow situations to "get to me" or to acknowledge it and let it go.  The problem with reacting to problems is that it causes us to beat ourselves up from the shame of our reactions.  You do not have to agree with the person or situation, but you will have to cope with it.  If you choose to accept the problem, you gain something positive....self respect. 

This only occurs through nonjudgmental observation. 

Notice your feelings, but don't react.

Focus your attention on the right now.





Change Blindness

This video is a funny spin on a very real psychological concept known as Change Blindness.  This is one of the many factors involved in how we ignore signals in our environment.  So what does this have to do with the internal bully?  Everything, if you believe things about yourself that are not supported by observable facts. 

This is relevant in even significant changes in the body.  Many obese persons will attest to seeing themselves in the mirror as obese, even upon obtaining a goal weight.  We may see ourselves in a negative manner, but become blind to the fact that we are not really as bad as we think. When change occurs psychologically, many people do not "feel" any better, but are blinded to the change they have accomplished.  This may be contradicted by observations from others and psychological exams. 

Why do I always feel so bad?

Many people who suffer from distress believe that the problem to emotional suffering is that is "always" feels so bad.  This is actually an over simplification of what really happens.  Emotions are normal.  Yes...even sadness is a normal human emotion.  When sadness first occurs in the body, everything occurs in a normal manner.  The part that becomes a problem is your reaction to the emotion. 

Ex: Mary feels sad when her friend leaves town on vacation.  She then starts remembering times that people have left and abandoned her.  This causes her to recall times that people have called her names which makes her feel even more alone and rejected.  This caused a stream of negative thoughts.  The more Mary thinks, the more she feels rejected and abandoned.  The problem that Mary is experiencing is not the emotion never ending, but her mind's reaction to her emotion. 

In the book The Mindful Way Through Depression by Williams, Teasdale, Segal, and Kabat-Zinn, we learn this very concept.  One thing I love about this book is that it comes with a guided meditation CD and a full 8 week structured program to learn how to let go of this type of reaction to normal human emotion.  The concepts in this book are basically an integration of traditional Cognitive Therapy and Mindfulness Meditation (MBCT).

Anyone seeking guidance of lingering emotions can benefit from this book.  I would even go as far to say that it is highly beneficial to anyone at any phase of life. 

Stop fueling the fire

Do you believe that your inner bully is caused by anger?  Psychology has ignored problems with anger, but clinically many therapists will admit to this being a major focus in sessions.  Chronic anger problems can cause behavioral habits that harm yourself and many times other people as well. 

The old style of anger management taught us that we needed to unleash the anger.  Many people were taught to take it out physically through exercise or throwing a pillow.  The problem with this technique is it raises your heart rate.  So how can you cool down if you are stimulating the body?  You can't!  The only real way to calm anger is to alter the mind (counseling), retrain the body (relaxation), and learn new habits. 

A great book to read up on effective anger strategies is Anger: This misunderstood emotion by Carol Tavris.  The author teaches some great strategies for rethinking the problem with anger.  When we think in a blaming way, "it's your fault" you will fuel anger further, but if we retrain our thinking into something like "some of this may be my problem too" you calm anger by accepting a small part of the responsibility.  If you can not accept that, you can minimally reduce the intensity of the statement. 

If you want to feel better, you can!  What you put into managing your anger has to be different than what you have done before. 

Stop and smell the roses

One of the many problems facing the American culture today is the habit of automatically moving through life.  We make rapid judgments about food, people, and decisions without really thinking about effectiveness.  We are tied down to our phones and feel compelled to do it now, but at what cost?

If you want to a change in your life, you may need to do it differently.  If we continue in the automatic way of doing things, you will only be repeating what has already happened.  The past does not exist, it has already happened and is only a construct of our minds.  The future does not exist, it has not yet happened.  The right now is the only moment we really have.  So why do it mindlessly? 

If we stop and really absorb the moment, you will find that you feel much better.  If you are in a conversation, stop everything and really pay attention to the person and content.  If you are eating lunch, stop everything else and taste that bite in front of you.  Doing one thing at a time can free you of all the worry that has become habit....and just be in the moment.  Enjoy life.  Let go of the list.  Breathe. 

Try this video for starting practice:  One Moment Meditation

The Guilt-Shame Train

In learning to cope in a healthy way it's helpful to distinguish between guilt and shame.  Guilt is a normal human emotion which accepts responsibility and prompts us to repair the situation.  Ex. If I steal someone's pen, I feel guilt which leads me to give it back and improve the relationship.  Shame results when you believe your actions mean something about you.  Ex. "I'm a bad person for stealing."  Shame will cause you to feel like who you are is the problem rather than the behavior.  When we add shame to already difficult situation, it prevents you  from reaching goals. 

An alternative to the guilt shame train is to accept the feeling of guilt, but don't evaluate it.  If you are distracted from judgmental thoughts, say "stop" firmly in your mind.  You can use an affirmation statement to remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person despite behaviors.  You will find that goals are much easier to reach when you stay out of the judging game. 

Cut out the negative

A method of self bullying that increases emotional suffering is focusing on what you are not, rather than what you want to see more of in your life.  One example of this: "I'm not thin enough for that."  This is an example of of an "I'm not" statement that prevents you from achieving your goals. If you want to create positive change, it takes focusing less on what you can not do or what you do not have.  Instead, it will be more effective to make a positive goal like "I will loose 5 pounds to feel more comfortable in my clothes." 

So where does the "I'm not" statements come from?  You guessed it... it usually comes from your early years including parents, peer groups, and other authority figures.  Many times it is a message that we have heard many times or thought of ourselves many times.  You don't have to grow up in a critical home, sometimes we just pick up negative statements from television and music. 

So your challenge today is to reframe that negative into a goal and test out your motivational level to see if it works.  Feel free to post your ideas anonymously. 

What are you putting in?

Have you heard that saying "what you put in is what you get out?"  I believe that this statement is very true to self esteem building.  Think of your thoughts that race through your head as an MP3 playing on loop.  Even when you are sitting silently in a room...you are always thinking.  When you stop to listen to what is recorded, you may find very negative messages.  These messages are recorded by participating in conversations in our lives.  If your parents or peers have been harsh to you in the past, you may find yourself being equally as harsh.  The good news is that you get to record over those old messages, but it takes repetition.  Thinking accurately does not happen without a lot of hard work.  But if you are consistent and structured, you will find that things do change in time. 

I use The Self Esteem Workbook in my practice regularly for supplementing therapy.  One of my favorite concepts from this work book is separating out "externals" from your core worth.  It's the idea that I can still be a good person even if I don't always act consistent with my values.  Have you ever met anyone who does anything ALL the time?  If you don't like what you see, set a goal not a prison sentence. 

So if you want to have some positive change in how you feel...put in something positive on a consistent basis.  You will be surprised how quickly some of those old messages fade away.

The interrogation of me

When interrogation is used on a prisoner, there are physical methods used to force a verbal response.  This is a great analogy for internal bullying.  We push ourselves to perform, submit, or act in a manner perceived as lacking.  "If you were strong enough, you'd have more friends." Most of us do not use physical force, unless you slap your hand in self abuse, but many people do attempt to force behavior through harmful words. 

You may be able to force yourself to change in small ways, but I find that this is highly ineffective for long term results.  Who wants to be a prisoner to all this negative pressure?  True long term change takes lowering expectations a degree and treating ourselves with rewards and consequences.  If I call myself a "fat cow" I'm going to lower my motivation to eat my carrots for dinner.  Alternatively, if I encouraged myself with "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I feel much more able to stick to my goal. 

Today's challenge: Treat yourself to a positive and encouraging self statement and test out your level of motivation! 

Perfect

One problem that impacts self esteem is striving for perfection.  No...that does not mean that you are perfect (no one can be perfect).  Striving for perfection creates distress when you are unable to obtain it.  We can bully ourselves to perform greater tasks but since no one is perfect, we always fail.  This is a special form of self harm since you never let yourself feel proud of accomplishments, so it feels like "nothing" is going well. 

Today's challenge:  Give yourself a pat on the bat for one thing today.  Maybe it will be that fact that you slowed down enough to smell the flowers on your front porch or smiling at someone in the grocery store.  No matter what your life looks like, we have opportunities to feel good all around us if we take a minute to appreciate the very moment we are in.  As I write this... I am happy to take a minute to strech my sholders and feel calm. 

Have a peaceful day!

Don't be so negative

So how many times have you heard that moronic advice?  As if by the person standing in front of you saying "get over it" is going to all the sudden trigger a catharsis for you!  I heard someone once say "suck it up buttercup" to communicate this uncaring attitude.  If you had the ability and strength to "just get over it" or "grin and bear it" then you would have done that long ago, right?  So let's through those stock phrases out of the window. 

I'm a much bigger fan of Cause and Effect, yes I am referring to Science 101.  The first step is to understand what is causing the negative mindset without making an evaluation of yourself or the situation.  Maybe it was being bullied in school, slapped by parents, or other regrettable experiences.  So you think bad about yourself because you were told that you were bad.  Pretty simple.  So, it makes since that your authority source had motives to make you feel bad (like a parent wanting you to clean up your room).

 To move forward we have to detach from the history and start taking record of the current information.  If  being told that you are "fat" or "not good" led to a depression, then we have to look at what's accurate.  If I have a problem maintaining my weight...that doesn't mean that I am 100% fat.  The real number can be obtained through fat analysis...and I'm pretty sure no one who reads this is at a 100% fat ratio.  So are you fat, or do you have a higher fat ratio than you would like?  I think the later makes much more logical sense.  So quit calling yourself names and start looking at the data.  That is how you work towards reducing negative thoughts and increasing the logical. 

Self threats

Fear is the evil empire of self esteem.  Just because we feel afraid does not mean that the situation and/or person is actually too fearful to approach.  There are many ways in which we must face our fears to overcome them.  How many people do you know who refuse to stand up for themselves for fear of what the other person will think?  That about covers most women I know...sometimes even myself. 

So what causes this to be a problem?  You got it...that internal bully.  When we succumb to fear, we usually tell ourselves things that we would never tell someone else... "they will hate me" or "I'll be laughed at."  If you would not say these things to another human being...then don't say it to yourself!

One way of kicking the evil empire to the curb is to work on acting assertively, even when your fear feels completely overwhelming.  The trick here is to act completely opposite to how you feel...which means don't avoid it!  When you are at a party and feel like a wall flower...force yourself to talk to 3 new people.  You will then feel very proud of yourself for being brave and strong, even though you were shaking on the inside (and maybe even visibly to others).  The trick here is to talk yourself into what you want to do...not out of it.  So instead of "they will hate me" use healthier self talk of "it's not about them...I want to feel good about facing my fear."  Are you up for the challenge?

Audit or suffer

One of the problems many of us find ourselves in is judging our perceived weakness too harshly.  The brain constantly tries to work more efficiently, meaning it feels in the blanks by making assumptions.  Have you heard the phrase "portion distortion" from dieters?  This is a great example of this concept.  The only way to evaluate your true skills and behaviors is to search for concrete evidence.  Using your support system to either confirm or deny your abilities is a great way to keep assumptions in check.

Jane believes that she is a horrible cook.  She constantly reads through cooking magazines and watches Food Network to improve her skills.  If you were to ask her husband about her abilities, you would hear him brag to his friends that he married a gourmet chef.  So who is right and who is wrong?  The answer is neither one.  It's all about perception.  Jane does not ask her husband or friends about her skills and abilities in the kitchen, so she never realizes that she is an excellent cook.  Her husband is not wrong, since he really enjoys her cooking. 

Sometimes we have to check in with our support system and audit those assumptions!    

What do you mean I'm not a Bunny?

One of my favorite songs on my preschool son's radio station is this song titled "I think I'm a bunny."  The song goes on with the character of a purple monster trying to convince a child that he is not a monster, but a bunny.  This reminds me of many conversations people have within themselves.  We are constantly trying to convince ourselves that we "should" be a certain thing, character, or person.  This causes many problems in coping when reality is different from our perception of ourselves.  If you want reality to be different, it's wise to establish a goal rather than wish for it to change on it's own.  The first step is acknowledgment of reality as it exists (not what you wish it to be). 

This is not the same thing as being stuck in negativity.  You acknowledge with nonjudgmental self regard areas you want to improve. Example: "I would like to work on putting myself in new social situations so that I can meet new people" is much healthier and accepting of reality than  "I should be able to have more friends...I'm just a nobody."   Notice in the example you do not treat a perceived weakness as a character statement, but something tangible in your life to work on.  When you tell yourself "I should have more friends" you decrease motivation and commitment to success.  Ask yourself this:  Would I talk to myself the same way I would word things to a friend?  If the answer is no...you might need to rethink your strategy. 

I'm crazy!!

In my counseling practice, I see many adults and teens who constantly criticize themselves with name calling.  The question I like to ask is "how do you know...what proof is there?"  This is usually followed by the sound of crickets!  If you do not know why you call yourself names, then how do you know that it is accurate?  When we think judgmentally, we are usually not using our logically thought processes.  A better way to describe your behavior is to use words of description.  I love Dialectical Behavior Therapy for this problem.  To think more rationally, we need to take the time to really connect the dots in our lives.  Since our brains fill in the blanks the majority of the time, we have to take some time to just observe and describe....not judge. 


http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/non-judgmental_stance.html