Perfect

One problem that impacts self esteem is striving for perfection.  No...that does not mean that you are perfect (no one can be perfect).  Striving for perfection creates distress when you are unable to obtain it.  We can bully ourselves to perform greater tasks but since no one is perfect, we always fail.  This is a special form of self harm since you never let yourself feel proud of accomplishments, so it feels like "nothing" is going well. 

Today's challenge:  Give yourself a pat on the bat for one thing today.  Maybe it will be that fact that you slowed down enough to smell the flowers on your front porch or smiling at someone in the grocery store.  No matter what your life looks like, we have opportunities to feel good all around us if we take a minute to appreciate the very moment we are in.  As I write this... I am happy to take a minute to strech my sholders and feel calm. 

Have a peaceful day!

Don't be so negative

So how many times have you heard that moronic advice?  As if by the person standing in front of you saying "get over it" is going to all the sudden trigger a catharsis for you!  I heard someone once say "suck it up buttercup" to communicate this uncaring attitude.  If you had the ability and strength to "just get over it" or "grin and bear it" then you would have done that long ago, right?  So let's through those stock phrases out of the window. 

I'm a much bigger fan of Cause and Effect, yes I am referring to Science 101.  The first step is to understand what is causing the negative mindset without making an evaluation of yourself or the situation.  Maybe it was being bullied in school, slapped by parents, or other regrettable experiences.  So you think bad about yourself because you were told that you were bad.  Pretty simple.  So, it makes since that your authority source had motives to make you feel bad (like a parent wanting you to clean up your room).

 To move forward we have to detach from the history and start taking record of the current information.  If  being told that you are "fat" or "not good" led to a depression, then we have to look at what's accurate.  If I have a problem maintaining my weight...that doesn't mean that I am 100% fat.  The real number can be obtained through fat analysis...and I'm pretty sure no one who reads this is at a 100% fat ratio.  So are you fat, or do you have a higher fat ratio than you would like?  I think the later makes much more logical sense.  So quit calling yourself names and start looking at the data.  That is how you work towards reducing negative thoughts and increasing the logical. 

Self threats

Fear is the evil empire of self esteem.  Just because we feel afraid does not mean that the situation and/or person is actually too fearful to approach.  There are many ways in which we must face our fears to overcome them.  How many people do you know who refuse to stand up for themselves for fear of what the other person will think?  That about covers most women I know...sometimes even myself. 

So what causes this to be a problem?  You got it...that internal bully.  When we succumb to fear, we usually tell ourselves things that we would never tell someone else... "they will hate me" or "I'll be laughed at."  If you would not say these things to another human being...then don't say it to yourself!

One way of kicking the evil empire to the curb is to work on acting assertively, even when your fear feels completely overwhelming.  The trick here is to act completely opposite to how you feel...which means don't avoid it!  When you are at a party and feel like a wall flower...force yourself to talk to 3 new people.  You will then feel very proud of yourself for being brave and strong, even though you were shaking on the inside (and maybe even visibly to others).  The trick here is to talk yourself into what you want to do...not out of it.  So instead of "they will hate me" use healthier self talk of "it's not about them...I want to feel good about facing my fear."  Are you up for the challenge?

Audit or suffer

One of the problems many of us find ourselves in is judging our perceived weakness too harshly.  The brain constantly tries to work more efficiently, meaning it feels in the blanks by making assumptions.  Have you heard the phrase "portion distortion" from dieters?  This is a great example of this concept.  The only way to evaluate your true skills and behaviors is to search for concrete evidence.  Using your support system to either confirm or deny your abilities is a great way to keep assumptions in check.

Jane believes that she is a horrible cook.  She constantly reads through cooking magazines and watches Food Network to improve her skills.  If you were to ask her husband about her abilities, you would hear him brag to his friends that he married a gourmet chef.  So who is right and who is wrong?  The answer is neither one.  It's all about perception.  Jane does not ask her husband or friends about her skills and abilities in the kitchen, so she never realizes that she is an excellent cook.  Her husband is not wrong, since he really enjoys her cooking. 

Sometimes we have to check in with our support system and audit those assumptions!    

What do you mean I'm not a Bunny?

One of my favorite songs on my preschool son's radio station is this song titled "I think I'm a bunny."  The song goes on with the character of a purple monster trying to convince a child that he is not a monster, but a bunny.  This reminds me of many conversations people have within themselves.  We are constantly trying to convince ourselves that we "should" be a certain thing, character, or person.  This causes many problems in coping when reality is different from our perception of ourselves.  If you want reality to be different, it's wise to establish a goal rather than wish for it to change on it's own.  The first step is acknowledgment of reality as it exists (not what you wish it to be). 

This is not the same thing as being stuck in negativity.  You acknowledge with nonjudgmental self regard areas you want to improve. Example: "I would like to work on putting myself in new social situations so that I can meet new people" is much healthier and accepting of reality than  "I should be able to have more friends...I'm just a nobody."   Notice in the example you do not treat a perceived weakness as a character statement, but something tangible in your life to work on.  When you tell yourself "I should have more friends" you decrease motivation and commitment to success.  Ask yourself this:  Would I talk to myself the same way I would word things to a friend?  If the answer is no...you might need to rethink your strategy. 

I'm crazy!!

In my counseling practice, I see many adults and teens who constantly criticize themselves with name calling.  The question I like to ask is "how do you know...what proof is there?"  This is usually followed by the sound of crickets!  If you do not know why you call yourself names, then how do you know that it is accurate?  When we think judgmentally, we are usually not using our logically thought processes.  A better way to describe your behavior is to use words of description.  I love Dialectical Behavior Therapy for this problem.  To think more rationally, we need to take the time to really connect the dots in our lives.  Since our brains fill in the blanks the majority of the time, we have to take some time to just observe and describe....not judge. 


http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/non-judgmental_stance.html