You make me so mad!

This is a video with a great explanation on how we misinterpret events in our lives to cause emotional distress.  When we give our power over to situations and other people we can feel some very intense emotions.  No matter what situations we face, we always have the power to reframe how we think to cause a different reaction. 

There will always be a situation in our lives that we do not like.  The things we react to may be politics, economics, or the dog barking next door.  It is within our power to allow situations to "get to me" or to acknowledge it and let it go.  The problem with reacting to problems is that it causes us to beat ourselves up from the shame of our reactions.  You do not have to agree with the person or situation, but you will have to cope with it.  If you choose to accept the problem, you gain something positive....self respect. 

This only occurs through nonjudgmental observation. 

Notice your feelings, but don't react.

Focus your attention on the right now.





Change Blindness

This video is a funny spin on a very real psychological concept known as Change Blindness.  This is one of the many factors involved in how we ignore signals in our environment.  So what does this have to do with the internal bully?  Everything, if you believe things about yourself that are not supported by observable facts. 

This is relevant in even significant changes in the body.  Many obese persons will attest to seeing themselves in the mirror as obese, even upon obtaining a goal weight.  We may see ourselves in a negative manner, but become blind to the fact that we are not really as bad as we think. When change occurs psychologically, many people do not "feel" any better, but are blinded to the change they have accomplished.  This may be contradicted by observations from others and psychological exams. 

Why do I always feel so bad?

Many people who suffer from distress believe that the problem to emotional suffering is that is "always" feels so bad.  This is actually an over simplification of what really happens.  Emotions are normal.  Yes...even sadness is a normal human emotion.  When sadness first occurs in the body, everything occurs in a normal manner.  The part that becomes a problem is your reaction to the emotion. 

Ex: Mary feels sad when her friend leaves town on vacation.  She then starts remembering times that people have left and abandoned her.  This causes her to recall times that people have called her names which makes her feel even more alone and rejected.  This caused a stream of negative thoughts.  The more Mary thinks, the more she feels rejected and abandoned.  The problem that Mary is experiencing is not the emotion never ending, but her mind's reaction to her emotion. 

In the book The Mindful Way Through Depression by Williams, Teasdale, Segal, and Kabat-Zinn, we learn this very concept.  One thing I love about this book is that it comes with a guided meditation CD and a full 8 week structured program to learn how to let go of this type of reaction to normal human emotion.  The concepts in this book are basically an integration of traditional Cognitive Therapy and Mindfulness Meditation (MBCT).

Anyone seeking guidance of lingering emotions can benefit from this book.  I would even go as far to say that it is highly beneficial to anyone at any phase of life. 

Stop fueling the fire

Do you believe that your inner bully is caused by anger?  Psychology has ignored problems with anger, but clinically many therapists will admit to this being a major focus in sessions.  Chronic anger problems can cause behavioral habits that harm yourself and many times other people as well. 

The old style of anger management taught us that we needed to unleash the anger.  Many people were taught to take it out physically through exercise or throwing a pillow.  The problem with this technique is it raises your heart rate.  So how can you cool down if you are stimulating the body?  You can't!  The only real way to calm anger is to alter the mind (counseling), retrain the body (relaxation), and learn new habits. 

A great book to read up on effective anger strategies is Anger: This misunderstood emotion by Carol Tavris.  The author teaches some great strategies for rethinking the problem with anger.  When we think in a blaming way, "it's your fault" you will fuel anger further, but if we retrain our thinking into something like "some of this may be my problem too" you calm anger by accepting a small part of the responsibility.  If you can not accept that, you can minimally reduce the intensity of the statement. 

If you want to feel better, you can!  What you put into managing your anger has to be different than what you have done before. 

Stop and smell the roses

One of the many problems facing the American culture today is the habit of automatically moving through life.  We make rapid judgments about food, people, and decisions without really thinking about effectiveness.  We are tied down to our phones and feel compelled to do it now, but at what cost?

If you want to a change in your life, you may need to do it differently.  If we continue in the automatic way of doing things, you will only be repeating what has already happened.  The past does not exist, it has already happened and is only a construct of our minds.  The future does not exist, it has not yet happened.  The right now is the only moment we really have.  So why do it mindlessly? 

If we stop and really absorb the moment, you will find that you feel much better.  If you are in a conversation, stop everything and really pay attention to the person and content.  If you are eating lunch, stop everything else and taste that bite in front of you.  Doing one thing at a time can free you of all the worry that has become habit....and just be in the moment.  Enjoy life.  Let go of the list.  Breathe. 

Try this video for starting practice:  One Moment Meditation

The Guilt-Shame Train

In learning to cope in a healthy way it's helpful to distinguish between guilt and shame.  Guilt is a normal human emotion which accepts responsibility and prompts us to repair the situation.  Ex. If I steal someone's pen, I feel guilt which leads me to give it back and improve the relationship.  Shame results when you believe your actions mean something about you.  Ex. "I'm a bad person for stealing."  Shame will cause you to feel like who you are is the problem rather than the behavior.  When we add shame to already difficult situation, it prevents you  from reaching goals. 

An alternative to the guilt shame train is to accept the feeling of guilt, but don't evaluate it.  If you are distracted from judgmental thoughts, say "stop" firmly in your mind.  You can use an affirmation statement to remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person despite behaviors.  You will find that goals are much easier to reach when you stay out of the judging game. 

Cut out the negative

A method of self bullying that increases emotional suffering is focusing on what you are not, rather than what you want to see more of in your life.  One example of this: "I'm not thin enough for that."  This is an example of of an "I'm not" statement that prevents you from achieving your goals. If you want to create positive change, it takes focusing less on what you can not do or what you do not have.  Instead, it will be more effective to make a positive goal like "I will loose 5 pounds to feel more comfortable in my clothes." 

So where does the "I'm not" statements come from?  You guessed it... it usually comes from your early years including parents, peer groups, and other authority figures.  Many times it is a message that we have heard many times or thought of ourselves many times.  You don't have to grow up in a critical home, sometimes we just pick up negative statements from television and music. 

So your challenge today is to reframe that negative into a goal and test out your motivational level to see if it works.  Feel free to post your ideas anonymously.