The Guilt-Shame Train

In learning to cope in a healthy way it's helpful to distinguish between guilt and shame.  Guilt is a normal human emotion which accepts responsibility and prompts us to repair the situation.  Ex. If I steal someone's pen, I feel guilt which leads me to give it back and improve the relationship.  Shame results when you believe your actions mean something about you.  Ex. "I'm a bad person for stealing."  Shame will cause you to feel like who you are is the problem rather than the behavior.  When we add shame to already difficult situation, it prevents you  from reaching goals. 

An alternative to the guilt shame train is to accept the feeling of guilt, but don't evaluate it.  If you are distracted from judgmental thoughts, say "stop" firmly in your mind.  You can use an affirmation statement to remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person despite behaviors.  You will find that goals are much easier to reach when you stay out of the judging game. 

Cut out the negative

A method of self bullying that increases emotional suffering is focusing on what you are not, rather than what you want to see more of in your life.  One example of this: "I'm not thin enough for that."  This is an example of of an "I'm not" statement that prevents you from achieving your goals. If you want to create positive change, it takes focusing less on what you can not do or what you do not have.  Instead, it will be more effective to make a positive goal like "I will loose 5 pounds to feel more comfortable in my clothes." 

So where does the "I'm not" statements come from?  You guessed it... it usually comes from your early years including parents, peer groups, and other authority figures.  Many times it is a message that we have heard many times or thought of ourselves many times.  You don't have to grow up in a critical home, sometimes we just pick up negative statements from television and music. 

So your challenge today is to reframe that negative into a goal and test out your motivational level to see if it works.  Feel free to post your ideas anonymously. 

What are you putting in?

Have you heard that saying "what you put in is what you get out?"  I believe that this statement is very true to self esteem building.  Think of your thoughts that race through your head as an MP3 playing on loop.  Even when you are sitting silently in a room...you are always thinking.  When you stop to listen to what is recorded, you may find very negative messages.  These messages are recorded by participating in conversations in our lives.  If your parents or peers have been harsh to you in the past, you may find yourself being equally as harsh.  The good news is that you get to record over those old messages, but it takes repetition.  Thinking accurately does not happen without a lot of hard work.  But if you are consistent and structured, you will find that things do change in time. 

I use The Self Esteem Workbook in my practice regularly for supplementing therapy.  One of my favorite concepts from this work book is separating out "externals" from your core worth.  It's the idea that I can still be a good person even if I don't always act consistent with my values.  Have you ever met anyone who does anything ALL the time?  If you don't like what you see, set a goal not a prison sentence. 

So if you want to have some positive change in how you feel...put in something positive on a consistent basis.  You will be surprised how quickly some of those old messages fade away.

The interrogation of me

When interrogation is used on a prisoner, there are physical methods used to force a verbal response.  This is a great analogy for internal bullying.  We push ourselves to perform, submit, or act in a manner perceived as lacking.  "If you were strong enough, you'd have more friends." Most of us do not use physical force, unless you slap your hand in self abuse, but many people do attempt to force behavior through harmful words. 

You may be able to force yourself to change in small ways, but I find that this is highly ineffective for long term results.  Who wants to be a prisoner to all this negative pressure?  True long term change takes lowering expectations a degree and treating ourselves with rewards and consequences.  If I call myself a "fat cow" I'm going to lower my motivation to eat my carrots for dinner.  Alternatively, if I encouraged myself with "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" I feel much more able to stick to my goal. 

Today's challenge: Treat yourself to a positive and encouraging self statement and test out your level of motivation! 

Perfect

One problem that impacts self esteem is striving for perfection.  No...that does not mean that you are perfect (no one can be perfect).  Striving for perfection creates distress when you are unable to obtain it.  We can bully ourselves to perform greater tasks but since no one is perfect, we always fail.  This is a special form of self harm since you never let yourself feel proud of accomplishments, so it feels like "nothing" is going well. 

Today's challenge:  Give yourself a pat on the bat for one thing today.  Maybe it will be that fact that you slowed down enough to smell the flowers on your front porch or smiling at someone in the grocery store.  No matter what your life looks like, we have opportunities to feel good all around us if we take a minute to appreciate the very moment we are in.  As I write this... I am happy to take a minute to strech my sholders and feel calm. 

Have a peaceful day!

Don't be so negative

So how many times have you heard that moronic advice?  As if by the person standing in front of you saying "get over it" is going to all the sudden trigger a catharsis for you!  I heard someone once say "suck it up buttercup" to communicate this uncaring attitude.  If you had the ability and strength to "just get over it" or "grin and bear it" then you would have done that long ago, right?  So let's through those stock phrases out of the window. 

I'm a much bigger fan of Cause and Effect, yes I am referring to Science 101.  The first step is to understand what is causing the negative mindset without making an evaluation of yourself or the situation.  Maybe it was being bullied in school, slapped by parents, or other regrettable experiences.  So you think bad about yourself because you were told that you were bad.  Pretty simple.  So, it makes since that your authority source had motives to make you feel bad (like a parent wanting you to clean up your room).

 To move forward we have to detach from the history and start taking record of the current information.  If  being told that you are "fat" or "not good" led to a depression, then we have to look at what's accurate.  If I have a problem maintaining my weight...that doesn't mean that I am 100% fat.  The real number can be obtained through fat analysis...and I'm pretty sure no one who reads this is at a 100% fat ratio.  So are you fat, or do you have a higher fat ratio than you would like?  I think the later makes much more logical sense.  So quit calling yourself names and start looking at the data.  That is how you work towards reducing negative thoughts and increasing the logical. 

Self threats

Fear is the evil empire of self esteem.  Just because we feel afraid does not mean that the situation and/or person is actually too fearful to approach.  There are many ways in which we must face our fears to overcome them.  How many people do you know who refuse to stand up for themselves for fear of what the other person will think?  That about covers most women I know...sometimes even myself. 

So what causes this to be a problem?  You got it...that internal bully.  When we succumb to fear, we usually tell ourselves things that we would never tell someone else... "they will hate me" or "I'll be laughed at."  If you would not say these things to another human being...then don't say it to yourself!

One way of kicking the evil empire to the curb is to work on acting assertively, even when your fear feels completely overwhelming.  The trick here is to act completely opposite to how you feel...which means don't avoid it!  When you are at a party and feel like a wall flower...force yourself to talk to 3 new people.  You will then feel very proud of yourself for being brave and strong, even though you were shaking on the inside (and maybe even visibly to others).  The trick here is to talk yourself into what you want to do...not out of it.  So instead of "they will hate me" use healthier self talk of "it's not about them...I want to feel good about facing my fear."  Are you up for the challenge?